


Meeting Nishiki

by spacewuuf



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: F/M, Ghouls, I Will Go Down With This Ship, M/M, Triggers, eating humans, unusual ship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2016-02-28
Packaged: 2018-03-07 04:45:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3161717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacewuuf/pseuds/spacewuuf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaneki Ken finds solace in the arms of an unlikely friend. Also he could literally devour his best friend / first love. Angst ensues.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bad Habit of Eating your Best Friend.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lotticorn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lotticorn/gifts).



> Thank you all soooo much for the kudos and kind words, every mail with a kudos note brings a smile to my face :) If you like it, if you don't, if you just wanna say hi, please comment or kudos - it's what writers write for ;)
> 
> So I do not know why I even started writing this. It was just a regular day on the train and my brain did this. It's a rather unusual ship I guess but I had a feeling these two characters might go well together. After all: to put your characters on fire, throw them in conflict :)
> 
> Also I felt very much like writing something angsty, my dear friend lotticorn = http://archiveofourown.org/users/lotticorn/pseuds/lotticorn always hits it out of the ballpark with angst, so here is my try.
> 
> Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts.

“Hey Kaneki, before we go home, I have to pick something up for our upcoming term party, d’you mind tagging along?” Hide prompted. 

“Yeah sure, no problem.” Ken didn’t mind. He had nothing exciting to do anyway besides curl up in bed and cry over his new, unexpected lot in life. 

The university’s hallways were long and dark, raising images of that fateful night out of Ken’s subconscious mind. 

The dark niche that Rize had led him into only to devour him, then, the rumble of cold, solid steel descending upon them. 

Ken didn’t remember much after that, only figments of thought, snapshots of what happened after Rize had died. He could not remember feeling any pain, either. A graceful trick his mind had played on him to spare him the agony the long, gashing scar on his belly indicated. 

“Kanekiiiii? Yo?” 

“Uhhh, sorry …” 

Hide actually had to nudge his friend to bring him back into the present. 

The first image that his brain consciously received was that of a closed, dark green door to a room labeled “Student Council”. Hide went ahead and entered the room. 

“Nishiki-senpaaaaiii, hellooo. Remember me?” 

Ken there thought for a moment how embarrassing Hide’s entries could be, and then remembered, how he loved him for exactly this mannerism. Loved him AS A FRIEND! A F-R-I-E-N-D. Yeah, just a friend. Any further justifications of this slightly embarrassing thought were cut short as Ken took a breath of the air in the room. 

Coffee, lots of it, mixed in with … an undeniable note of … ghoul. 

While Ken’s sense of smell was not yet that attuned to distinguish between humans, ghouls and other things, there was no error to be made with this smell. Just as easily as one could identify cookies were being baked, Ken was sure Nishiki was a ghoul. And just as if it were cookies he smelled, he opened his mouth a little and gasped audibly. 

Nishiki turned slowly, revealing a displeased look through his sharp-edged glasses. 

“Should I?” 

“Ehm, well, I came around last week because I’m in the party committee this term and …” 

“What do you want?” 

“Just the files on last year’s party. Please.” Hide was not good at dealing with unfriendly people. Quiet, like Kaneki, he had learned to handle. Nishiki’s type was something different though. Cocksure, Kaneki thought. 

“Oh, sorry, I got these at home. But you can come along, it’s only two bus-stops away. If you don’t mind?” 

And like this, Nishiki’s demeanor switched from cold stiffness to outgoing friendliness. 

“And you are?” Nishiki looked past Hide and smiled at Kaneki. 

* * *

Kaneki’s heart was racing all the time it took them to get to Nishiki’s place. He was afraid of this older ghoul, there was no way to know his disposition towards humans, no way for Kaneki to judge how _safe_ he was to be around. 

Hide was obviously delighted to be so kindly invited by their senpai, he kept chatting away with him, oblivious to the danger Kaneki feared they were in. 

“There we are, see, not that far after all.” A subtle smile on his face, Nishiki opened the door. 

“Tadaima! Oh… she’s not here? Sorry guys, my flatmate is not here, guess the introduction will have to wait till next time.” 

Kaneki noticed Hide’s proud look at the prospect of being invited over again. 

“Hideyoshi, straight on through …” Nishiki directed Hide to go ahead into his room. With a sly grin on his face, the older student turned from locking the door to follow his kouhai, back facing to Kaneki, who saw the red shimmer of Nishiki’s ghoul claw appearing from beneath the brown cotton of the sweater. 

Too fragile. Kaneki winced as he tried to summon his own claw to defend his best friend, but failed. In a bright red flash, Nishiki swept Hide off his feet and knocked him clean unconscious. Standing looming over the limp body, he turned back to Kaneki, whose face was contorted in powerless terror. 

Red eyes glaring at Kaneki, once again Nishiki’s expression changed in a split-second. Bloodlust dropped of him like water and was replaced by an inquisitive, careful stare. 

“Sorry about that, I didn’t …” 

Only now did Kaneki notice the giant lump in his throat, croaking he got out: “I won’t let you eat him!” 

“Hey, hey … oh, I’m so sorry. You’re Kaneki, right? Don’t worry, I’m well fed. And he’s far too young and innocent. I just wanted to talk to you in private.” 

Kaneki still struggled to regain his composure. Flustered, he responded. 

“Talk to me?” 

“Yes. Hm, maybe not the best way to go about it, I grant you.” He tilted his head and smiled to himself. 

“Subtlety is not my strong suit, you will have noticed. But yeah, I wanted to make sure you were alright.” 

It was all too much. Too little time, to many emotions for Kaneki to process. Very unlike himself - but hell, he was not like himself ever since the operation, he was a FUCKING GHOUL! - he produced a sneer worthy of a sinister antagonist. 

“How kind of you. I am not. If it’s all the same to you now, I’d like to call an ambulance for Hide, since you’re not gonna eat him.” 

“No need to be mean. I want to help you.” 

This started to get on Kaneki’s nerves. Help him? This guy’s angle was just ridiculous. With a slow shake of his head, he looked back up at Nishiki, not noticing that his left eye had turned red. 

Nishiki continued. “By the looks of it you need it, right now, too. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed the smell of fresh food.” 

“He’s my best friend, I’d never …” Then the scent of human flesh hit him like a baseball bat. 

Kaneki’s belly cramped, he could no longer ignore the ferocious hunger accumulated over weeks. And the solution lay just a few steps behind Nishiki. 

Nishiki watched the freshman’s face go through the motions. Hunger. Lust. Hesitation. Submission. Conscious regret. Sadness. Madness. 

Kaneki’s left iris lit up in a brutal red, his eyeball had become black as coal. Like a black diamond with a red spot, his eye glistened as a lonely tear rolled down his cheek - the only sign of human sentiment left on him. Nishiki was taken aback by how clear Rize’s influence on Kaneki was. 

In just thirty seconds, Kaneki had decided to eat Hide. After all, he loved him. Why not eat him? That was surely a sign of deep love. It would make Hide part of him. He’d always wanted that, after all. 

Knowing what was to come, Nishiki wasted no time. With a flurry of claws glowing a vibrant scarlet, he started to fend off Kaneki’s attempt to reach Hide’s lifeless body. 

“If I can’t go around you, I’ll go _through_ you!” Kaneki screamed making a piercing move aimed right at Nishiki’s heart. 

But the older ghoul was his better by a long shot. Kaneki’s untrained, unpracticed, raw emotion met Nishiki’s calculated, experienced effort to keep Hide alive. He foresaw Kaneki’s intention and countered with his longer claws, just, he aimed slightly lower. 

His claws pierced effortlessly through Kaneki’s soft belly, impaling the small boy, stopping him for good.. 

* * *

The blond youth pulled Kaneki close until they were face to face, just a hair’s width apart. 

“You’d never eat him?” 

Kaneki’s small frame was riddled with pain. Shaking from head to toe, the rage he had shown just seconds ago fell off him like wet cloth. Tears started pouring from his eyes - both human again - and desperation filled the gaping hole the retreating inner ghoul had left in Kaneki’s soul. 

Nishiki let his claws vanish into thin air, releasing the firm grip on his kouhai. 

Sobbing, face contorted by shame and pain, Kaneki fell to his knees. In an instinctive move, he hugged Nishiki around the waist and pressed him close. It was a last, desperate attempt to grab hold of something real, something outside his mind. 

It hurt so much. The shame was unbelievable … how could he have even considered it. 

“Please, senpai.” Kaneki’s small frame shuddered in anguish. Tears soaked into Nishiki’s brown sweater. “Senpai. Can you kill me, please? I don’t want … ” His voice broke into sobbing. 

“I know. Though, that won’t be necessary. After all, he is still alive.” Nishiki whispered, returning the hug. 

In a flash, the blond ghoul remembered how badly he’d wanted to die after he’d eaten his teacher, way back in junior high. 

“We’ve all made mistakes, and you just chose not to.” 

His voice was filled with an understanding that Kaneki did not feel he deserved. He remained in a close hug with Nishiki, trying hard to reassemble his broken soul. A process he imagined that could not be finished until kingdom come. 

Finally, Kaneki realized that not only was he still holding onto Nishiki, but his senpai had not removed his arms either. Maybe he really understood. If what he felt could ever be understood by another living thing. 

“Teach me. Please.” Kaneki took a deep breath and released his grip on Nishiki, slumping back onto his legs, nothing more than a little, miserable piece of almost-murderer. 

Nishiki thought he’d sensed just a little more composure when Kaneki looked him in the eyes and said again: “Teach me, Nishiki-senpai. I don’t want to become a murderer.” 

Nishiki’s soul jumped a little at that and he had to prevent a sentiment from showing that he thought he’d long lost: hope. Maybe, just maybe, he really had a chance to help guide this poor bastard on a way he knew was difficult to the extreme. Maybe he could prevent Kaneki from making all these horrible mistakes that had riddled his path. 

Kaneki was afraid he’d say no. Or insult him. Or belittle him. 

Instead, Nishiki put on a smile and said “Stand yourself up. I don’t think you are a hopeless case.” 

“And maybe I’m not as well.” The older ghoul added in his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for staying with me in this exploration of *Nishikane*, *Kanenishi* , * Kaneshio*, *Kenshio* ... whatever ^^ Also thanks for any kudos you might have given on my other works, or in case you were just about to hit that sweet heart <3 button. Should you go to sleep now late at night, I bid you good night. If not, save it for later. Best :)


	2. Blood? What blood? Oh, that blood.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hide wakes up after Nishiki knocked him unconscious and finds the amount of blood in Nishiki's flat changed quite a lot from what he'd seen before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the lovely kudos, I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoy writing. Please comment or share, give kudos if you like it, that's what keeps us all going, isn't it ;)

“How long do you think he will be out for?” Kaneki asked, standing next to Hide’s still limp body. 

Nishiki’s eyes met Kaneki’s. 

“Why don’t you ask _him_?” the older ghoul said, nodding in Hide’s direction. 

When Kaneki realized what he meant, his look shifted. Features displaying utter terror, his head snapped back down to look at Hide, whose eyes were already wide open. 

Out of wide pupils Hide looked up at his childhood friend. His breathing quickened and he generally looked distressed. Of course, Kaneki thought, he was unconscious for a few minutes, who would not be scared? Hide raised a shaking hand to touch Kaneki’s trousers. 

His voice was shaky but he whispered “Blood!”. 

It hit Kaneki like a train. Of course, he and Nishiki were both covered in blood, as was the floor and a fair part of the wall behind himself. 

“I’m screwed.” Kaneki whispered. Nishiki tried to put on an apologetic face for good measure but failed miserably. 

Hide grabbed a hold of Kaneki’s bloody pants and pulled his friend down towards him, fear still written all over his features. Kaneki felt so guilty. It was his fault, after all, he should have taken action when he realized Nishiki was a ghoul - a friendly one but never the less. What Hide said next really surprised him, though. 

“Kaneki, what happened, am I dying? I don’t feel any pain, just a little … dizzy. I’m scared.” 

Kaneki had to laugh, it was so ridiculous. All he could think of were his own problems and there was his friend waking up in a gory mess, thinking he was dying. 

“What’s so damn funny, eh?” At least Hide was quick to recover his wits. 

Nishiki felt like helping out, “Oh it’s nothing, you just slipped and fell.” 

Hide was recovering quickly, he was already propping himself up on his elbows. 

“So I slipped and knocked my head spilling two gallons of blood and ripping both your sweatshirts in the process?” 

It was frightening how his brain was able to shake off the stupor left behind be its temporary shutdown, Kaneki thought, many people would not be able to formulate such a precise summary when they were at their best. 

Still not helping, Nishiki responded with a plain “No”. 

With a curious glance, Hide sized up Nishiki’s flat. Then he looked back at the bloodstains on the walls and floor. What on earth could loose so much blood and not be around any more a few minutes later. Provided, Hide thought, that there was no corpse lying on the flat’s front porch. But who should this victim be? No. That made no sense. Also why would his friends’ pullovers be ripped? And why did they cover up the truth? 

Too many questions for now. Hide felt like drinking a gallon of water, straight in one sitting. And then he’d figure it. Hide made a move to get up, asking Kaneki to help him. 

Ten minutes later, all three boys sitting on the couch, Hide with a giant glass of water already half empty, Kaneki almost hoped Hide would just leave the subject of what happened to him alone, forget it forever. Already a few seconds later, Kaneki had to admit this was a surprisingly stupid wish. 

“So, you’re both ghouls, right?” Hide mumbled into his glass of water. 

There it was. The ugly g-word. Kaneki flinched, as he’d grown so accustomed of doing when ghouls were mentioned in the public, so uncomfortable, unbearable, sad and shameful did he find his new state of being. Awaiting further questions or statements from Hide, Kaneki looked right at him. When his friend looked up at him from the glass he’d been staring into, Kaneki’s heart sank to his boots. Hide looked at him with anger carved into every feature of his face. The dimples that would show when Hide smiled were cruelly hidden from Kaneki and he slowly realized that there was a frighteningly real chance Hide would forever hate him for something that he just could not change. 

Without any further comment, look still cold as ice, Hide got up and slowly walked to the front door. With the door wide open, Hide hesitated, looked first at Nishiki, then at his best friend and opened his mouth to speak, but ended up saying nothing. And then he just left. 

The bang of the door made Kaneki jump. 

“Now I’m all alone.” 

* * *

“No you’re not.” 

Kaneki’s head snapped back to look at Nishiki. Did he just say that out loud? In his fear of loosing Hide, he had completely forgotten his new mentor was even present. He wiped his eyes, trying to conceal the tears that welled up. For now, Nishiki did not need to see any more of his shipwrecked soul than he had already. 

Nishiki was a strange guy. He knew Kaneki for about three hours, yet he’d seen him trying to eat his best friend, stopped him, offered his help as a mentor, ultimately caused Kaneki to reveal that he was a ghoul to his best friend and then … well then he delivered the most clichéd line of comfort in the history of literature, all the while looking like it was just another day as a student ghoul. 

Very unlike himself, Kaneki felt like asking “What is your angle, senpai?” 

Instead of answering, Nishiki tilted his head and gave Kaneki a piercing look. 

“Sorry, it’s just, I don’t know you at all, and here you are being so kind to me, as though we were childhood friends.” 

Little did this kouhai know the extend to which Nishiki knew him. 

“Don’t think too much, or your little head will start to hurt. I would say you had enough drama for today. How about I show you another ghoul-friendly café besides Anteiku? Take your mind off things?” 

Kaneki hesitated for a second. He’d rather not meet more ghouls today. The creatures had an air of excitement and danger about them that Kaneki would much rather do without. The sentiment, however, was overruled by a stern thought: 

“Get off your ass, you are a ghoul after all, so you might as well get used to it.” 

He could be so tough on himself. 

“Yes, that sounds good.” 

“Great, it’s not even that far. Oh wait.” Nishiki looked down at his ripped sweatshirt. 

“We should probably do something about that.” he chuckled. Ripped and bloody they didn’t really look presentable. Kaneki would have completely forgotten. 

Nishiki returned from his bedroom with two sweaters, one slightly smaller. 

“Here, I got you an old one, might fit.” 

It did. 

“Alright, let’s go.” 

* * *

Even though at first it seemed they both had little common interests, Nishiki kept laughing at Kaneki’s jokes and vice versa. After visiting the other ghoul café, Kaneki could really relax. It was his conscious choice to confront this fear, but it nevertheless felt good when it was over. The evening passed quickly and at the end, Kaneki had definitely drunk more coffee than he should have. Both a hefty Caffeine overdose and the cold night made him shiver. 

“Will you be alright for now?” a concerned Nishiki asked, noticing Kaneki’s hand trembling. 

“Oh, I’m just cold. But yes, thank you very much. The evening really took my mind off things.” Kaneki smiled an honest smile. 

Nishiki smiled in return. He was glad to see his actions had helped lift the dark veil of sadness off Kaneki. 

“I’ll walk you home, then.” 

“No, really, thank you, but I couldn’t ask any more of you for today. I’ll be fine.” Kaneki responded. 

“It’d be no trouble, but okey, your kagune is strong anyway, take care.” Nishiki nodded a goodbye and departed into veil of darkness. 

Alone at the end of this long day, Kaneki took a deep breath. The faint smell of human flesh - food - in the distance made his stomach rumble. But eating was completely out of the question. Bracing himself for another hungry night, Kaneki strode off in the direction of the next train station. 

It was really not far to his home. Kaneki shut the front door and made the short way over to his bed. Lying in darkness, still wearing his clothes, he began to cry. 

Softly at first, tears began to drip into his cushion but between being extremely hungry, depressed and drugged up on caffeine, there was no way to stop the impending breakdown. Soon Kaneki wound himself on his bed, sobbing loudly. 

The pictures of this long day kept repeating themselves in his head like a bad horror movie. Hide lying on the floor, smelling oh so sweet. Nishiki’s kagune impaling him. Then, the pain he’d felt, both physical and emotional surged before his shut eyes, forming scarlet and burgundy swirls, at times liquid as water, then forming drops that morphed slowly like thick blood. All around him, gory shadows against the red backdrop appeared, only to further his angst. Pictures of ghouls eating. Pictures of himself eating someone. As Kaneki looked closer at this particular shadow, he could make out Hide’s face, contorted in pain, on a severed head. 

As quickly as his gory visions had started, they were over. Kaneki was left destroyed, soul shattered into pieces. He could feel his left eye pulsing, a sign that meant it was dark as coal with an iris glowing as a ruby. Even now, signs of this cruel, unwanted side of himself kept mocking him. There was no way to ever reconcile these separate entities living in one body, Kaneki was sure of it. Gradually, as he lay in the dark room, anger began to seep into his mind. 

Why did he have to be like this? Why was this burden only his to carry? His life had always been a tragedy, but this new level of grief, was this necessary? Was it always him who had to get hurt? 

It was simply too much for one single 18-year old boy. From his convulsions, he was coiled up in a mess of bedsheets, covers, clothes and limbs. Defying the restraints, he began to arch his back. Head thrown back, he strained all his muscles and just when he had reached the point of highest stress, he felt his kagune breaking through his back. Slowly he raised his arms towards the ceiling and let out a defiant, roaring cry. 

The sound of his own voice rang in his ears. In the blink of an eye, his violent, angry posture changed. Arms dropped limply to his side, the kagune retreated, and what was tense just seconds before loosened. He slumped forwards, back into the sheets, and curled up as tightly as he could. After what felt like ages, Kaneki found restless sleep over the sound of his soft yet relentless sobbing. 


	3. So I spent the night thinking.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Following the events at Nishiki's place, both Kaneki and Hide have a lot to think about.

The next morning was rough. Sleep had not been kind to him and offered only brief reprieve from what felt like an eternity of tears. To think his lifelong best friend would treat him in such a way hurt more than he would have imagined. Of course, there is no real lasting friendship that hasn’t gone through rough patches. The rift that had opened before him was different, though. It was not simply a quarrel over a passing subject. He was, and would forever be, something so different, there was no way to abridge this difference. With these grim thoughts on his mind, Hide opened his eyes. 

He was glad for the first rays of sunshine. The light streaming in through the windows meant that at least he would not have to face physical darkness as well when he got up. He swung his legs out over the edge of the bed and the cold floor he touched with his bare feet sent shivers all the way up through his spine. In a strange way, it was good to feel his brain flooded with external input, distracting it from it’s internal struggles. 

_Kaneki. Why didn’t you tell me? After all these years, after all we’ve been through, do you trust me so little?_

Hide stood up, passed the short distance to where a lousy excuse for a kitchen stood and filled the kettle with water. Tea was something else that would from now on set him apart from Kaneki. Ever since he’d become aware there even were such creatures as ghouls, he’d been interested in them. After all, he thought, they were basically the second sentient lifeform on Earth. Of course, this thought was tantamount to treachery: the CCG wanted everyone to believe ghouls were nothing more than mindless beasts. But thanks to the Internet, Hide thought differently. There were actually quite a few blogs where ghouls expressed wrote about their experience, the _ghoul’s condition_ , if you will. Really, Hide thought, it was quite fascinating to imagine that one would be forced to consume beings that were definitely sentient, intelligent, that had a personality and a personal life. Though fascinating was probably the wrong word: frightening, depressing even. To build a relationship with your next meal … much like a pig farmer caring for his most beloved swine. 

The different ghoul blogs went to quite some length to try and make the experience, if not relatable, at least understandable on a cognitive basis. And of course, this special property of their being was the reason why they were hunted. When comparing it on a history level, ghouls were, like any other minority in history, prosecuted for something they could simply not change about themselves: indigenous inhabitants, women, African slaves, the LGBTIQ community, ghouls - it was all the same. And it made Hide sad to think Kaneki now belonged to a group that would face punishment simply for existing. 

_I wonder how Kaneki’s doing?_

* * *

Welcome to Kaneki Ken’s own, personal hell. It had been two days since Kaneki met Nishiki. And since his best friend had found out he was a ghoul. Night descended on him again, a thick black veil that promised some reprieve from the dark landscapes of his mind. Sleep was not completely peaceful, just not as bad as waking. In a way, he figured, it did him credit: Hide’s friendship was easily worth many restless nights. It meant that he cared, that he had not abandoned all his human sentiment. Hide, I tried to protect you, and still I caused you pain. 

Lying in bed for so long caused Kaneki’s muscles to ache. Plus he had not had a sip of water or coffee since the night Nishiki had taken him out. 

_Gotta get up eventually._

Kaneki swung his legs out from under his duvet. As his feet touched the ground, the cold sent him jolting backwards. But what use was it, he had to leave the safe confines of his bed, face the cold, face reality. The better part of the day he had spent meandering through the gloomy passages in his mind that led from one depressing monument to his insecurity and failure to another. Looking at something physical, real, something other than gory figments of his imagination, was a relief. It grounded him. Even the chilling temperature of the floor numbing the soles of his feet meant he was finally back in reality. 

Not that this reality was something he could enjoy right now. He had to face the fact that his best friend had stormed out of the room after he realized Kaneki was a ghoul. 

_Will I ever see Hide again?_

A stupid thought. Kaneki knew where Hide lived. Hell, he even had a spare key to his apartment. 

_Will he ever talk to me?_

That was a more realistic question. 

_He can’t blame me for something that’s not my fault._

True as well. He knew Hide was no bigot and he would surely listen to reason. 

_Nothing reasonable about trying to eat him._

Right again. He was on fire. He should have figured this out in ten minutes if he kept going like this. 

_So, he probably won’t blame me. I will tell him about my hunger for him later._

Wow, this way of putting it was extremely double-edged. 

_If he’s not upset about me being a ghoul, and he doesn’t yet know I tried to have him for dinner, then …_

Trust. Kaneki had betrayed Hide’s trust, had betrayed this friendship that had carried them both through the darkest patches in their lives. 

When his mother died, Hide had been there for him. Likewise, when Hide was thrown out by his parents, Kaneki had shared his bed with him. He could recall so well how cool moonlight had carved gentle shadows on Hide’s face, as he lay next to him, a single tear streaming down his friend’s cheek. Kaneki never thought to ask if Hide had been awake at that time, but it didn’t really matter. It had felt completely right for him to watch his best friend sleep, looking out for his soulmate, guarding against the shadows of the night. A valiant watcher in the dark. 

_What would I have given for someone to watch over me this past night._

A red glow seeping trough his eyelids made him aware of the fact that his eyes were closed. When he opened them, he saw his kagune was hanging in the air just an inch from his face. Its movement was slow but steady as it closed the gap and touched Kaneki’s cheek softly, gently stroking it. He was startled how warm it felt and it occurred to him that he’d never actually touched his own kagune. Also, the only time he was ever able to control it was when he was angry or afraid. Now, it seemed to move on its own accords, yet the message seemed clear. As a ghoul, Kaneki wouldn’t need anyone to watch out for him. 

Conflicted, Kaneki slapped the kagune away and in an almost sulky way, it retreated. As a ghoul, Kaneki had in fact acquired physical powers that he could not have hoped to attain through years of practice in any given form of martial arts. It was equally true, however, that his inner ghoul was emotionally unstable and Kaneki felt only his human side might provide the emotional stability he would need to survive. 

_What am I saying, then?_

In response, his subconscious produced a memory of Nishiki from the previous afternoon. 

“I don’t think you’re a hopeless case.” 

Nishiki was capable of controlling his kagune. He was also emphatic when needed and gentle, caring, all the while, being 100% ghoul. If he could do it, he might teach Kaneki to do the same, that is, moderate between the two parties battling for dominance in his head? 

_If it can be done, I will be able to remain friends with Hide!_

That was the epiphany Kaneki needed. 

_So where do I start?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the support, it's great to see this actually gets views! I try to get something up at least twice a week now so I can get this story to where the fun begins. Love <3


	4. Wicked

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nishiki shows Kaneki a few tricks about food. Then, because the author was lazy, a hurt-and-comfort setup including cliffhanger ensues :D

“Kaneki, you have to eat, you know.” Nishiki told Kaneki after they had settled down for a cup of coffee in the older ghoul’s flat. 

Kaneki responded with an indistinct grunt. Food - dead humans - yes. He would have to eat, eventually. Whenever he had surrendered to his hunger for human flesh, _she_ had surfaced from deep within him. An unrelenting force, maddening, throbbing in his head, sheer blood-lust and vile psychopathy. And then, when Kaneki finally awoke from what felt like a nightmare, splattered in blood and entrails, that was when he wished himself dead. 

“I can’t eat.” 

“Then you will die.” Nishiki said solemnly. 

Kaneki took a deep breath, trying to steady himself before putting to words what bothered him. He spoke unsteady, hiding his face in his palms. 

“When I do, she rises, she haunts me. I think …” Kaneki mumbled between his fingers. 

“Who?” Then it dawned on Nishiki. He sat back in his chair and his already stern face now took a deeply worried expression. “It’s Rize? Her organs made you a ghoul, right.” 

Kaneki nodded. 

“I see.” 

Pale sunlight streaked in through the windows, but with winter’s firm grip on the world, a few rays of sun could not make the bleak town look inviting. 

“Kaneki, you see, you will just have to get used to it.” 

An ironic shrug on Kaneki’s part made Nishiki rethink his approach. 

“I know. I hated eating. The only way it will get better is, if you find some wicked way to enjoy it. And here I don’t mean become a fucking gourmet like Shuu or a gluton as Rize was. The more you fight it, your mind will have it’s revenge on you.” 

Finally, Kaneki looked up to meet Nishiki’s eyes. 

“So you say I have no choice.” 

Curtly, Nishiki said “No. You don’t.” 

Nishiki thought he could see a resolve gathering in Kaneki’s grey eyes. His stare became more steady. 

“I won’t kill.” 

“You don’t have to. I never killed as a child.” 

As Kaneki said nothing, Nishiki realized he had to explain more fully. 

“I’ll show you a popular spot for suicidal people.” 

* * *

The sun had just set over the far hill and an eerie fog was rising from the forest floor, a foul stench seeping into Kaneki’s nose that tainted the lovely smell of food emanating from a dead body just a few meters away. 

“See, I always found it easier to actually share a meal. Gives you the feeling you are at least somewhat … normal.” 

With coarse voice Kaneki just pressed out “Ok. You go ahead. I have no idea …” he gulped “… no idea where to start without just, ripping it …” 

He didn’t finish the sentence, but Nishiki understood him regardless. 

So the two ghouls started their meal. And Kaneki, even though he felt Rize’s wild emotions raging just under the surface of his conscious mind, could for the first time since his transformation eat without completely loosing his mind. 

The man must have been a sports fanatic. Nishiki had suggested they start with the arms. “Just imagine they are chicken wings.” 

Kaneki’s ghoul eye pulsed in a soft, not unpleasant fashion. And the meat, no, the human tasted … glorious. Kaneki did try not to feel to decrepit about enjoying a good bite of biceps. In the darkness that had shrouded his mind these past days he was sure he must have lost his moral compass completely. 

“It is perversely … ” Kaneki hesitated in search for a fitting word “empowering.” he munched between two bites. 

Nishiki simply nodded assent while carefully scraping a few bites of meat of the dead man’s left hand with his teeth. 

* * *

“Nishik-senpai, this”, Kaneki raised his arms “it feels what I imagine cannibals must feel after killing their victim. I feel dirty, evil.” 

His senpai did not respond, nor even look at him. Hard cold eyes stared straight ahead. 

“You feel the same? Every time?” 

Still no response. 

“It’s weird. I feel this might actually be okay. I don’t have any regrets.” 

“You shouldn’t. You had to eat.” 

“That’s not it. I remember when I was a child, I sometimes snuck out of bed late at night and had a glass of coke even though my mum said not to. I feel the same now. I did something forbidden but it is a good feeling.” 

“That is because it is not yourself who is forbidding it. It’s an external rule.” 

Kaneki realized his view had changed. He had been sure it was wrong for ghouls to eat. Now he accepted the necessity. And relished the wickedness, the tingling sensation of breaking a morbid rule. It was the ultimate act of flipping the world the finger it so rightfully deserved. 

* * *

Kaneki put the key in the lock of his apartment and when he turned it realized it wasn’t locked. Two options. One: he’d not locked it. That was ridiculous - he always locked it. Two … 

Part afraid, part wishing for it to be true, Kaneki stumbled through the door, knowing full well Hide was the only other person with a key. And he was spot on. On his bed sat his oldest, best, only life-long friend. Hide’s eyes were cast down, but when Kaneki closed the door, he looked up at Kaneki through his blond bangs, eyes glistening with fresh tears. Kaneki could not contain himself, he crossed the small room in a few quick strides and before Hide even had time to get off the bed, Kaneki fell into his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long pause and the giant cliff hanger, I have to get to sleep. Also this isn't beta'd I just rolled with it - creative outburst :D I feel just like Kaneki right there after his dinner, just thinking about how to write this feeding-scene felt very weird.


	5. Crawl Inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nishiki is put in his place, while Kaneki discovers an entirely new, safe place to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been sitting vacant for a while, which I am sorry for. Indeed it was the last comment which made me look into it again and guess what, I had an entire chapter almost ready to be posted - albeit a short one. I will resume work on this and probably come up with a few thousand words over the next couple of days - fingers crossed.

Kaneki's room was still the sparsely decorated, solemn room it had been when he spent nights wondering if Hide would ever forgive him. Now, his heaving chest resting against Hide's, the sun seemed to shine more golden, its warm rays reflecting of Hide's golden blonde hair. The two best friends remained in this tight embrace seemingly forever but slowly Kaneki's tears dried up, his heart stopped racing and his breath steadied.

Hide spoke first, mumbling into Kaneki's ear. "I was stupid to get angry. You did nothing wrong. To keep it a secret ... "

Kaneki interrupted Hide by removing himself from the embrace. He was sitting atop Hide, who had fallen backwards onto Kaneki's bed. Kaneki looked him in the face and saw, much to his surprise, that Hide's eyes were also swollen with tears. It struck Kaneki like lightning: Hide crying with joy over their patched-up friendship - Kaneki had never thought Hide felt so strongly about him. It made his heart beat faster again, blood rushed into his head and he felt his cheeks glowing. He had completely forgotten what he'd wanted to say so eventually Hide finished his sentence.

"I would have kept it a secret, too. I don't think I could have lived with you disapproving of me, either."

Kaneki's face drew into a marvellous smile as tears came streaming down his sharp cheekbones again - this time, tears of joy. He didn't need to say anything. Anything at all.

The moment passed and emotions faded away, carried into happy posterity by the golden sunlight. A sharp stab in his abdomen made Kaneki aware of the position him and Hide were in - him sitting on top of him, flattening him into the mattress. In his head, two strong sensations fought for dominance. He wanted to kiss Hide, feel his lips, touch his skin and then ... then, rip if off and taste it, give in to its sweet fragrance, surrender, lose himself in Hide's body.

But of course, he could do neither. Shame stopped him from going through with the kiss, only self-incriminating guilt prevented Hide's death. To alleviate the disparate feelings, Kaneki jumped off the bed and had he looked at he Hide, he would have seen his friend's eyes were full of longing, too.

"Coffee?"

"Sure!" Hide chimed from the bed, now angling himself up on his elbows. An awkward silence fell so Hide quickly interjected: "You must be quite good at making coffee, all that work at Antik."

"And it's the only human food I can process." It came out more bitter than Kaneki had intended, yet it was true. He longed for steak, burgers and chips. But it was forsaken.

* * *

Nishiki sat opposite the old ghoul Yoshimura, both holding a good cup of coffee. Yoshimura had personally prepared it when Nishiki had asked him if he had a few minutes to talk about Kaneki Ken. It seemed the manager really cared for the young ghoul.

"Yoshimura-san, remember years ago when you helped me out?"

"Yes."

"I want to help Kaneki-kun out just the same."

"I see."

"I mean, he seems so helpless, and he's only been a ghoul for a few weeks. He has to learn quickly to survive."

Yoshimura took a long sip of his steaming hot coffee.

"The way things are going, I mean. Rize's death actually good for the 20th ward, but the CCG has already increased its presence." Nishiki continued.

"Yes."

"You said so yourself last week."

"I know."

"So? Are we gonna help Kaneki?" Yoshimura's short answers were annoying Nishiki, and he was sure it was on purpose.

"You were quite hungry yourself these past months."

"Yes, so?" he snapped back.

"Don't blame it all on Rize. She always was gluttonous, but you have earned quite a reputation as well."

"Yeah, well ..."

"Do you think you can handle your own hunger and all of Kaneki-kun's problems at the same time?"

Nishiki was glad Yoshimura saw his point. But it was true, his rather generous feeding habits must have added to the CCG's increased presence.

"So you do think we have to help Kaneki."

"Don't try to lead me astray. Of course, I do. Why else do you think I took him in? Just you worry about your own issues."

"Yeah I get it, you're old and wise and you can take care of all ghouls in 20th ward yourself, we just do what you say and all's going to be alright. How about giving us some responsibility? Let us fend for our own interests ourselves?"

The room fell silent as Nishiki words faded into posterity. In the seconds that passed without Yoshimura's answer, the blond student realized how rude and disrespectful he had been. When Yoshimura responded, he did so calm as ever.

"Nishiki-kun, I don't doubt you really want to help Kaneki-kun, but I do question your intentions. There is no need to get so agitated, is there? We all here at Antik want to see our fellow ghouls be treated well, Kaneki is no exception. Maybe ... ", the manager looked intently at his coffee mug and then straight into Nishiki's eyes, all the way through into his soul.

"Maybe, you see yourself in young Kaneki?"

Nishiki's undead blood flashed into his ears.

"Yoshimura-san, with all due respect, what does this have to do with ..."

The old ghoul leaned forward in his seat until his sharp nose was only millimeters away from Nishiki's. He tried not to flinch when the old man's voice rang deep and monstrous in his ears.

"I know shame and regret when I see it." As he spoke, Yoshimura's eyes flashed the deepest, most violent red Nishiki had ever seen in any ghoul's eyes. Any rebellious mood and resentment Nishiki might have harbored evaporated under the verbal heat from the man Nishiki had to admit was truly the master of ghouls in this ward.

As the moment passed, Yoshimura again turned into the old, weak man he usually seemed to be and spoke with the common lightness to his words.

"It is late. I shall retire and you, Nishio-kun. You, think about your place and past."

It wasn't fair how this brittle old man could conjure up feelings Nishiki had long thought buried in his youth. He felt like the little boy lying on his sister's grave, crying, holding on to a little keepsake she had given him. Yoshimura disappeared upstairs and Nishiki reached for the little key chain in his pocket. Regret and shame. Was Yoshimura right?


End file.
